A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours