When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends