A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
This took me a second..
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
#Caturday