I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins