One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.