A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Its a hippotatomus
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you