Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.