RT if you know someone like this!!!
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Who called it baking and not making love
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.