Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
You Might Also Like
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.