Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Cats are still liquid.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.