Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
You Might Also Like
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Morning.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week