She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
The honesty is refreshing
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Quadruple digit IQ
My work here is don’t.