The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?