THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
You Might Also Like
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv