If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.