Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.