Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
the three branches of government
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.