Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
You Might Also Like
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.