Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
#milo
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!