An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”