My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
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Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Doctors texting each other.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.