Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Sticker placement is key.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????