Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I didn’t come here to be called names
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.