I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos