You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”