Its a hippotatomus
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My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.