These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
You Might Also Like
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
me and who
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.