The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying