I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Friends that check up on you >
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it