Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Happy Caturday!
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan