Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.