what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.