What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH