the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells