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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!