Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
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I think we should hear other voices.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
cause of death:
autopsy.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?