[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
i think we should see other cousins
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter