i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Morning my dudes.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen