Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”