Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Going back in time, y’all need anything?