me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I’m not lazy
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season