If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.