me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Best table by far
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.