I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
let’s discuss
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now