I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?