Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
There’s only one good girl here!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.