my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up