A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.