Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.