Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
checking out some reviews of my local library
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
The game has officially changed 😎
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right