[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
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I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Education is vital
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.